I have had a wonderful track out, I can't complain. Scott and I went to Disney World for a week to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. It was fun, but not necessarily relaxing, lol! I feel fully satisfied now that I have been to Disney and experienced everything my little 8 year old heart ever desired. It was nice to be somewhere with just my best friend and do whatever we wanted to do.
Sadly, the trip ended with major disappointment. Our last IUI didn't work. I found out on our last day there, at the park, surrounded by people. I was so crushed, but had to act like nothing was going on. I didn't want to ruin Scott's last show, a stunt filled car show. How do you deal with such sorrow and disappointment at the "happiest place on earth?" And because we were leaving for the airport immediately after, I had to hold it all in for the next 8 hours.
I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me, why won't God let me have a child? I've always wanted to be a mother, never thought it wouldn't happen. And now I have to face the reality that I may never be a mother of my own biological child. It is so hard to be surrounded by people who can so easily have children. They share their cute pictures on Facebook, they talk about the cute/funny things they do and say, they talk about how proud they are of their children's accomplishments. I work in the nursery with babies and pregnant women and mothers. Friends have gotten pregnant and had children that are starting to walk in the time that I have been just trying to have one. I teach children. It is inescapable. And I know having children is hard work and parents are often driven insane with stress and worry, but I would happily take that.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I had hoped by now that I would be pregnant and joyfully looking forward to our family growing. I don't know what future God has for me, but I am sure there is a reason this is happening. Just like there was a reason He made me wait to get my first job. Just like there was a reason He made me wait so long for my husband. Just like He does with every thing that happens in my life.
