Travel day-October 21

Today was a long, long day. Scott and I didn't sleep very well the night before, I guess we were both excited and anxious.  The wait for the flights wasn't so bad, Scott used his Delta credit card status to get us cheaper access to the "Sky lounge" so we could be more comfortable.  The actual flights weren't bad either, very little turbulance.  I loved our comfort coach seats, especially since we were in the first row and I had so much room to stretch my legs.  But neither one of us could sleep on the flight.  The plane was cool because they had just redone the inside so it was like a new plane!

Scott patiently waiting in the sky lounge.

Packing

So Scott and I decided to travel like we did in the old days and only take a carry on suitcase and personal item.  We wanted convertible backpacks with wheels.  The one I got, the Osprey Ozone Convertible 22"/50L, looked great on the website.  I ordered it, and then soon realized how really small that was.  The 50L isn't just the size of the large backpack, it's the size of the large backpack and removable day pack.  I did a lot of research online about how to pack so lightly for 17 days.  I picked out coordinating tops and pants that I could mix and match.  I tried to pack it all.  It was too much.  Bit by bit, I had to remove pieces of clothing and made several sacrifices.  For instance, I'm going to have to wear my socks twice.  I also had to take out my dress because the shoes were just too big, even though I got the smallest flats I could find.  And I had to switch my extra bag to a thin nylon bag that hopefully will hold up!  But in the end, I got it all in! 

Here is my suitcase with everything in it, my toiletry bag is to the left, extra day bag/purse, hat, and even my pink bunny slippers.  Scarves are rolled up and line the sides.

I removed the top layer and you can see two packing cubes and one of my sweaters.  The blue packing cube holds my shirts, the red one holds undies.  The black one holds socks. 

And here it is, all zipped up and ready to go.

I'm pretty proud of myself!  I don't know how I did it, but I did.  Here is my packing list:

• 2 pair of pants, plus the jeans I'll be wearing
• 3 tank/camis
• 1 tee shirt (I'll be wearing) to use as a pj tee shirt, too
• 3 blouses
• 2 sweaters
• undies and socks
• 2 belts
• 1 pair of pink bunny slippers
• 1 pair of pj shorts
• 2 scarves, 1 hat, 1 pair of gloves
• 1 extra bag for souvenirs
• 2 wine diapers
• plug adapters

In my "personal item" bag:

• electronic stuff
• puzzle book
• copies of tickets and hotel confirmations
• medicines
• liquids bag
• money, passport, etc
• snack food

That's it for 17 days!   Think I'll survive? lol

Moving forward

Sooo...Scott and I have decided to adopt.  An embryo.  We got put on the waiting list almost immediately after the IVF didn't work.  Scott and I figured we had at least till the end of the year since we were number 10 on the list.  We started planning our trip to Europe.  We were beginning to heal from the disappointment, although I still can't bring myself to go to a baby shower.  Then, a few weeks ago, I got an email saying that there were some embryos available for us.  We couldn't believe it had had happened seemingly so quickly!  After some praying and talking with family and close friends, we decided to go forward with adopting the embryos.  We will get two.  So, first we have to do all of this preliminary stuff to make sure we are fit physically and mentally.  Today we passed the first test, we aren't crazy! lol  Next week we go for me to have bloodwork, meet with the doctor again, and take the class to learn about the process and all of the fun shots I get to do this time (as well as pay our money for the process). 
I am cautiously optimistic, cautiously excited, and nervous at the same time.  I don't know what will happen, but the doctor feels pretty confident that I am a good candidate for this.  We will do the transfers and all when get back from Europe.  Let's all hope and pray this works!

Venting

I wish I knew more infertile couples.  How do they deal with it?  It is crazy how many of my family and friends are pregnant or just having babies.  I can't escape it.  Thank goodness I have been burning the candle at both ends with work lately or my sister calling to say my newly married cousin's wife was preggers might have sent me over the edge, lol!  Instead, I just sighed, almost numb to the news anymore.  But not the kind of numb where it doesn't bother me anymore, just the overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all.  It is so hard to stay positive, and boy, this post is a Debbie Downer, right?  I just don't have anyone to talk to about it, besides one friend, who is so strong I don't know how she does it. 
So, I just live my life, and hope that the news will come soon that we have moved up on the embryo adoption list.  And try not to give up hope... I must.  I don't want to be a bitter person, I want to be happy for my family and friends.  Its not their fault that we're going through this. And I must count my blessings.  I do have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter how many times I work late and have to pick up dinner, and no matter how many times I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow.  He loves me, and that's more than I thought I would have 4 years ago.  I know God has a plan for me, just like He had Scott in the works for all those years.  Something will happen, I just can't feel it yet.
On a happy note, one good thing about not having kids is that Scott and I can travel easily/less expensively.  I love traveling and we are planning a trip to Europe again around our anniversary.  I can't wait till track out when we'll start planning all the details. 

I don't even have words for this crazy week. But prayers would be nice for personal struggles. :)

Empty

There's nothing like being told that you are old over and over again.  Too old.  So old your eggs are petrified.  Yep, I'm 39 and I have petrified eggs.
Ok, they aren't petrified, but they just don't work any more.  I have bad eggs.  The kind of eggs that went down the chute in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I'm post 4 days of shock and sorrow, so I'm sorry if I sound a little silly.  I just can't cry any more.  Well, yeah I can, but I don't want to. 
Scott and I have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant and finally got to the in vitro fertilization stage.  We saved our tax refund, Scott's bonus, used my credit card and flex spending account to afford this astronomically expensive procedure.  But we had to at least try, even though we had a 40 percent success rate.  (Yeah, that was another time being told I was old.  "Look at this chart that shows how old you are.  You are almost 40, which means this line goes all the way down here for you.  Good luck!")  I was prepared that it might not work, that my uterus might not be sticky enough.  But nothing prepared me for Friday.
I was at school, tracking in, putting things on the wall and taking it easy the day after my egg retrieval.  Everything had gone so well so far, my hormones were perfect, I had 7 follicles, but they got 4 eggs that looked ok so far.  I was probably going to have the transfer on Sunday.  I was nervous but hopeful.  Then they called.  Thank goodness I left the classroom full of the other teacher's kids and went outside to take the call (bad reception in the building).  The embryologist said she was sorry but none of the eggs developed and that was the end.  Just like that, the months of saving and planning and preparing and participation, the weeks of shots and ultrasounds (yay!) and drawing blood (yay to getting stuck at least twice each time), done.  Over.  End of the line.  I felt like a freight train had hit me.  I wasn't sure I heard her right.  "Let me get this straight, none of the eggs developed?"  No, I'm so sorry.  At this point I was sobbing so hard I could hardly breathe.  Just in time, my good friend and coworker Beth came out and swept me into my principal's office.  Luckily only a few children saw the scary teacher sobbing her eyes out.
I spent the next few days laying around crying off and on and feeling horrible.  Why, God?  Why won't you let me get pregnant?  I don't understand.  I've always wanted to be a mother, have children, I think I'd be a pretty darn good mom, too.  Then, to top it all off, Mother's day was two days later and I had invited all of the family over.  Don't get me wrong, I love the mothers in my life and I am truly blessed and wanted to show them how much I love them.  Plus it was good to have a distraction.  But everywhere else, it was in my face.  I couldn't even look at Facebook, ugh.  (Again, I would never take away anyone else's joy in being a mother, its just that it is a hard reminder that I'm not and right now I'm especially sensitive)
I expect in time I will get used to the idea that I will never bear my own child.  But the doctor did say at my appointment today that even though my eggs are bad (naughty eggs!) there is still hope.  I could have a donated egg (um, I don't think so, just as expensive and the chances are about the same as IVF) or a donated embryo (which is not quite as expensive, about 5k, and higher chance of success).  Time is ticking away and I can't wait too long to decide, but right now, I'm at least taking a month off to grieve.
If you are one of my dear dear friends or family who have a child/baby/are expecting, please don't think I resent you.  And please don't feel bad that you have kids and I don't.  But please understand that if I'm around you, I may get weepy or sad.  It's only because I envy what you have, yes, I do envy it.  And I'm so grateful you didn't have to go through what I'm going through.

Spring cleaning and organizing!!! And a bunch of other stuff...

This track out is an extra long one, 3 weeks and 4 days!  My first week off was pretty busy.  I had a work day and then the very next two days I drove to Charleston and back again to visit a family friend who was very ill.  Muryl had been in a coma for about 3 weeks following a stroke.  When she finally woke up, the first thing she asked for was a cup of coffee!  As soon as I had my first day off, I knew I had to drive mom down to visit her since I was starting IVF procedures the following week and my time would be limited.  We had a nice visit and it was so good to see Muryl and Fred.  Muryl seemed to be doing so well, aside from being very week and unable to talk above a whisper, and being a little slow to respond.  She still had her personality and she and Fred were so cute to watch.  We left Thursday thinking that Muryl was going to be fine, start rehab and soon be her old self again.  Then Friday morning, while eating breakfast, Muryl suddenly passed out.  They rushed her to the ICU and found that she had started bleeding again.  This time there was no way she was going to make it.  And she passed away Saturday morning.  It's been such a strange time, going from seeing her alive and well to not having her around anymore.  I didn't get to go to the funeral, but Ashley took mom and they said it was a nice service and very sweet, full of friends and memories of such a beautiful person.

Muryl, mom, and Ashley at Ocracoke Island around 1991.

Along with sad things happening this week, there were also joyous things.  Scott's best friend Kenan got married Saturday to Julie.  Scott was the best man, so we had the rehearsal and dinner Friday night, as well as most of the day Saturday for the wedding.  It was strange to be at a wedding with Scott, yet, not with Scott, lol!  I really didn't get to talk to him until after the toasts.  But once I had him back, I didn't let him go.  Yeah, I know, I'm so mushy.  The reception was at the Natural Science Museum in Raleigh, pretty cool!  Reminded me of Ashley and Joe's wedding reception at the Hands on Museum in J.C.

The bride and groom

Steve and Jenna who kept me company while Scott was doing his best man thing.

Me not letting Scott go.

Which brings me to....the best part of track out, which is I have time to clean and purge and purge and clean and organize!!  I started with making something I saw on Pinterest.  I made a little budget binder to hold all my stuff in one place.  It was driving me nuts to have receipts and checkbooks and slips of paper everywhere.  So I made my own version and I am more sane now.

The cover of my budget binder.  I just got a little 7 1/4"x 9 1/4" 3 ring binder.

The inside has a pocket to put my checks in (and temporarily my check register).

 On the inside I have dividers.  The first section is for calendars, to put due dates for bills.  The next section is my checkbook register.  I'll start using it when my old one runs out (why be wasteful!).  The next section I called finance because I didn't know a better name for it.  It's where I have a list of all my bills due for a month, when they are due, and how much they cost.  Then when I've paid the bills, I put the date I paid them.  I started doing this many years ago when I forgot more than once to pay a bill on time!  The last section is for our budget, which we really need to sit down and do!  So I put it there so I won't forget.

 

 

 

 

 After making the budget binder, I tackled a basket I had on my desk that was full of papers, junk, etc that I just threw there to get to when I had time one day.  It was overflowing. 
Finally I got to our file cabinet.  Now, we have a nice big two drawer cabinet that should be able to hold more than enough of the average person's stuff.  But it was so full I couldn't get papers in there and I had pulled some files out to put in a box in the attic.  So I went through every single file and in the end, had 3 trash bags full of shredded papers and another bag full of other papers.  Whew!  And, on the plus side, I finally found our copies of our marriage license that I had filed away and forgotten where I put them.  Yay!

I didn't take a before picture, but believe me, this is much better than it was!

Yesterday I went to the container store, that place is dangerous, but so so fun!  I came home with an arsenal of organizational containers and stuff.  I reorganized our pantry shelves and added shelf liners so stuff wouldn't fall through the wires (so annoying!). 
And today I went through our closet and came away with three large bags of clothes to take to Goodwill. 
My next project is to tackle all of my old teacher stuff for kindergarten and first grade.  I'm going to donate some stuff, but purge as much as I can. 
It feels so good to get rid of stuff and clean out!  I know, I'm such a nerd...