Empty

There's nothing like being told that you are old over and over again.  Too old.  So old your eggs are petrified.  Yep, I'm 39 and I have petrified eggs.
Ok, they aren't petrified, but they just don't work any more.  I have bad eggs.  The kind of eggs that went down the chute in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I'm post 4 days of shock and sorrow, so I'm sorry if I sound a little silly.  I just can't cry any more.  Well, yeah I can, but I don't want to. 
Scott and I have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant and finally got to the in vitro fertilization stage.  We saved our tax refund, Scott's bonus, used my credit card and flex spending account to afford this astronomically expensive procedure.  But we had to at least try, even though we had a 40 percent success rate.  (Yeah, that was another time being told I was old.  "Look at this chart that shows how old you are.  You are almost 40, which means this line goes all the way down here for you.  Good luck!")  I was prepared that it might not work, that my uterus might not be sticky enough.  But nothing prepared me for Friday.
I was at school, tracking in, putting things on the wall and taking it easy the day after my egg retrieval.  Everything had gone so well so far, my hormones were perfect, I had 7 follicles, but they got 4 eggs that looked ok so far.  I was probably going to have the transfer on Sunday.  I was nervous but hopeful.  Then they called.  Thank goodness I left the classroom full of the other teacher's kids and went outside to take the call (bad reception in the building).  The embryologist said she was sorry but none of the eggs developed and that was the end.  Just like that, the months of saving and planning and preparing and participation, the weeks of shots and ultrasounds (yay!) and drawing blood (yay to getting stuck at least twice each time), done.  Over.  End of the line.  I felt like a freight train had hit me.  I wasn't sure I heard her right.  "Let me get this straight, none of the eggs developed?"  No, I'm so sorry.  At this point I was sobbing so hard I could hardly breathe.  Just in time, my good friend and coworker Beth came out and swept me into my principal's office.  Luckily only a few children saw the scary teacher sobbing her eyes out.
I spent the next few days laying around crying off and on and feeling horrible.  Why, God?  Why won't you let me get pregnant?  I don't understand.  I've always wanted to be a mother, have children, I think I'd be a pretty darn good mom, too.  Then, to top it all off, Mother's day was two days later and I had invited all of the family over.  Don't get me wrong, I love the mothers in my life and I am truly blessed and wanted to show them how much I love them.  Plus it was good to have a distraction.  But everywhere else, it was in my face.  I couldn't even look at Facebook, ugh.  (Again, I would never take away anyone else's joy in being a mother, its just that it is a hard reminder that I'm not and right now I'm especially sensitive)
I expect in time I will get used to the idea that I will never bear my own child.  But the doctor did say at my appointment today that even though my eggs are bad (naughty eggs!) there is still hope.  I could have a donated egg (um, I don't think so, just as expensive and the chances are about the same as IVF) or a donated embryo (which is not quite as expensive, about 5k, and higher chance of success).  Time is ticking away and I can't wait too long to decide, but right now, I'm at least taking a month off to grieve.
If you are one of my dear dear friends or family who have a child/baby/are expecting, please don't think I resent you.  And please don't feel bad that you have kids and I don't.  But please understand that if I'm around you, I may get weepy or sad.  It's only because I envy what you have, yes, I do envy it.  And I'm so grateful you didn't have to go through what I'm going through.

Spring cleaning and organizing!!! And a bunch of other stuff...

This track out is an extra long one, 3 weeks and 4 days!  My first week off was pretty busy.  I had a work day and then the very next two days I drove to Charleston and back again to visit a family friend who was very ill.  Muryl had been in a coma for about 3 weeks following a stroke.  When she finally woke up, the first thing she asked for was a cup of coffee!  As soon as I had my first day off, I knew I had to drive mom down to visit her since I was starting IVF procedures the following week and my time would be limited.  We had a nice visit and it was so good to see Muryl and Fred.  Muryl seemed to be doing so well, aside from being very week and unable to talk above a whisper, and being a little slow to respond.  She still had her personality and she and Fred were so cute to watch.  We left Thursday thinking that Muryl was going to be fine, start rehab and soon be her old self again.  Then Friday morning, while eating breakfast, Muryl suddenly passed out.  They rushed her to the ICU and found that she had started bleeding again.  This time there was no way she was going to make it.  And she passed away Saturday morning.  It's been such a strange time, going from seeing her alive and well to not having her around anymore.  I didn't get to go to the funeral, but Ashley took mom and they said it was a nice service and very sweet, full of friends and memories of such a beautiful person.

Muryl, mom, and Ashley at Ocracoke Island around 1991.

Along with sad things happening this week, there were also joyous things.  Scott's best friend Kenan got married Saturday to Julie.  Scott was the best man, so we had the rehearsal and dinner Friday night, as well as most of the day Saturday for the wedding.  It was strange to be at a wedding with Scott, yet, not with Scott, lol!  I really didn't get to talk to him until after the toasts.  But once I had him back, I didn't let him go.  Yeah, I know, I'm so mushy.  The reception was at the Natural Science Museum in Raleigh, pretty cool!  Reminded me of Ashley and Joe's wedding reception at the Hands on Museum in J.C.

The bride and groom

Steve and Jenna who kept me company while Scott was doing his best man thing.

Me not letting Scott go.

Which brings me to....the best part of track out, which is I have time to clean and purge and purge and clean and organize!!  I started with making something I saw on Pinterest.  I made a little budget binder to hold all my stuff in one place.  It was driving me nuts to have receipts and checkbooks and slips of paper everywhere.  So I made my own version and I am more sane now.

The cover of my budget binder.  I just got a little 7 1/4"x 9 1/4" 3 ring binder.

The inside has a pocket to put my checks in (and temporarily my check register).

 On the inside I have dividers.  The first section is for calendars, to put due dates for bills.  The next section is my checkbook register.  I'll start using it when my old one runs out (why be wasteful!).  The next section I called finance because I didn't know a better name for it.  It's where I have a list of all my bills due for a month, when they are due, and how much they cost.  Then when I've paid the bills, I put the date I paid them.  I started doing this many years ago when I forgot more than once to pay a bill on time!  The last section is for our budget, which we really need to sit down and do!  So I put it there so I won't forget.

 

 

 

 

 After making the budget binder, I tackled a basket I had on my desk that was full of papers, junk, etc that I just threw there to get to when I had time one day.  It was overflowing. 
Finally I got to our file cabinet.  Now, we have a nice big two drawer cabinet that should be able to hold more than enough of the average person's stuff.  But it was so full I couldn't get papers in there and I had pulled some files out to put in a box in the attic.  So I went through every single file and in the end, had 3 trash bags full of shredded papers and another bag full of other papers.  Whew!  And, on the plus side, I finally found our copies of our marriage license that I had filed away and forgotten where I put them.  Yay!

I didn't take a before picture, but believe me, this is much better than it was!

Yesterday I went to the container store, that place is dangerous, but so so fun!  I came home with an arsenal of organizational containers and stuff.  I reorganized our pantry shelves and added shelf liners so stuff wouldn't fall through the wires (so annoying!). 
And today I went through our closet and came away with three large bags of clothes to take to Goodwill. 
My next project is to tackle all of my old teacher stuff for kindergarten and first grade.  I'm going to donate some stuff, but purge as much as I can. 
It feels so good to get rid of stuff and clean out!  I know, I'm such a nerd...

Valentine's Day

I'm exhausted!  Today was a crazy day at school, but fun.  We had "I love math and science day" and I was pretty much "on" the whole day but the kids were so cute and had a lot of fun, it was worth it.  And this morning I had a special delivery from my special Valentine.

 All the kids were excited and wanted to know who gave me flowers.  And he remembered that I love daisies.  Aww!
When I got home, he had another surprise for me.  The shelf he's been working on for over a month was finally hung up.  Let me tell you, this thing was a pain for him to finish.  He couldn't get the finish right and had to sand it twice!  But I love it, it's perfect to me. The front panel lifts up so you can slide the glasses in and out.  He also made the profile to match the bar cabinet below.

My sweet Valentine!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Track out

I have had a wonderful track out, I can't complain.  Scott and I went to Disney World for a week to celebrate our 2 year anniversary.  It was fun, but not necessarily relaxing, lol!  I feel fully satisfied now that I have been to Disney and experienced everything my little 8 year old heart ever desired.  It was nice to be somewhere with just my best friend and do whatever we wanted to do.
Sadly, the trip ended with major disappointment.  Our last IUI didn't work.  I found out on our last day there, at the park, surrounded by people.  I was so crushed, but had to act like nothing was going on.  I didn't want to ruin Scott's last show, a stunt filled car show.  How do you deal with such sorrow and disappointment at the "happiest place on earth?"  And because we were leaving for the airport immediately after, I had to hold it all in for the next 8 hours.
I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me, why won't God let me have a child?  I've always wanted to be a mother, never thought it wouldn't happen.  And now I have to face the reality that I may never be a mother of my own biological child.  It is so hard to be surrounded by people who can so easily have children.  They share their cute pictures on Facebook, they talk about the cute/funny things they do and say, they talk about how proud they are of their children's accomplishments.  I work in the nursery with babies and pregnant women and mothers.  Friends have gotten pregnant and had children that are starting to walk in the time that I have been just trying to have one.   I teach children.  It is inescapable.  And I know having children is hard work and parents are often driven insane with stress and worry, but I would happily take that. 
Tomorrow is my birthday.  I had hoped by now that I would be pregnant and joyfully looking forward to our family growing.  I don't know what future God has for me, but I am sure there is a reason this is happening.  Just like there was a reason He made me wait to get my first job.  Just like there was a reason He made me wait so long for my husband.  Just like He does with every thing that happens in my life. 

Feeling down

I'm feeling really down this morning.  I started browsing on the internet looking for support and found this article taken from a blog.  It kindof helps explain what I'm going through and how I feel right now.  By the way, it's not directed at anyone, I just wanted to show how I'm feeling right now without having to say it myself.

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

* They will eventually conceive a baby.
* They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
* They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Light at the end of the tunnel

This weekend we made a lot of progress on the bookshelves and are almost done. 

The finished shelves before painting.

Scott finished sanding everything so yesterday I started painting.  I had to paint back over the back wall where he had calked and then edge the shelves.  That took about 3 hours!  Toward the end, I had to get Scott to finish, my hand was aching so much.  The actual "painting" took no time at all with the roller. But then, I had to go back and repaint some of the back wall where we got shelf paint on it.  It's a never ending cycle of touching up!

Scott finishing the edge work.  Isn't he so good to me?  Notice the window seat.  I will be able to store all of my gift wrapping supplies in there.  I can't wait!

Yes, I know, I missed a spot on the back wall.  When I was painting originally, the speakers were in the way, but you can't really tell anyway with them in place.

Scott cut my craft desk down to the new size.  It is so nice to have my craft desk back!

Now for the hard part.  Being patient and waiting 2 weeks to make sure the paint is good and cured before putting books and stuff on them.  And then, I will be in organization heaven!  I can't wait!  But I have to.  Oh the torture!

Me and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week

I woke up with a tummy ache on Saturday so I couldn't get my massage and I didn't get any work done except for 5 loads of laundry and balancing the checkbook and when I tried to get caught up on Monday, which was Labor Day, I ended up spending most of the day doing school work and not enjoying the labor free day after all and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.
My husband got sick and couldn't do any work around the house, and I was a grump because of it because the house is a mess and the office has wood chips and sawdust all over the carpet and I feel like these book shelves will never get done and my books are all over the floor and my craft stuff is who knows where.  I think I'll move to Australia.
I was a big dope and planned French club on a day that I had to work late for a school event and it was cheese tasting day to boot so I had to cut all these little pieces of cheese and get everything ready at 7:00 in the morning before the kids got there, then my students were naughty all day and drove me crazy and I had to stay until 8:30 at night watching even more rowdy kids (and one cute little toddler) and somehow get them to watch a movie and not spill popcorn and water all over the place (once I opened half of the bottles) and all I could do was go home and sit down on the couch feeling pooped.  I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.
I spilled my cereal on the floor this morning.  I hate spilling my cereal. I started to cry, and Scott looked at me like I was crazy and I said something about working too much this week as I cleaned up the mess.  When I went to go to the physical therapist, I made the wrong choice and got on US1 where traffic was backed up for miles and going nowhere and even though I left the house with plenty of time I was 15 minutes late and only got 45 minutes in and they made me ride on a stationary bike.  I hate riding on the stationary bike.
Then I rushed home to take a shower and rush off to work where my kids had been good all morning for the sub but the minute I got there they started acting up and I got all frustrated and cards were getting turned everywhere and it was time for lunch and I almost forgot.  It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. 
Sigh...some weeks are like that.  Even in Australia.